Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic man then says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well….?”

She proudly replies, “I have a daughter,

slim, tall,

38D breast,

24″ waist and 34″ hips.

When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh My God.”

via Mashable:
We don’t usually report on sex tapes over here at Mashable — standards, people — but when we heard that “Weird Al” Yankovic launched his own on his YouTube channel this past Monday, we took notice. Luckily, the vid is completely safe for work — unless you work in a bubble wrap factory.

Yesterday this not-so-salacious vid — which features a fully clothed Yankovic lovingly playing with bubble wrap — only had around 300 views. Today it has more than 50,000. Why the rapid rise in interest? Here’s the basic progression:

“Wha?” begets Morbid interest begets “WTF?” begets Nervous, uncomfortable laughter begets Share

The comedian sets up the joke in the video’s description, which reads:

“‘Weird Al’ Yankovic caught in the act. Extremely graphic. You must be over 18 years old to view this footage.”

All in all, the video is far from lewd — disturbing is another story — but its shear viral nature really says something about our culture, which is obsessed with the latest celebrity indiscretion (I mean, Dustin Diamond has a sex tape, a “Weird Al” fleshfest ain’t that far-fetched).

Take a look if you have a second, although I far prefer “Amish Paradise“:

Whether or not you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet……..God willing, someday you will be……

The $2.99 Special (sent to me by my Uncle…who is a senior)
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the ’seniors’ special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

‘Sounds good,’ my wife said. ‘But I don’t want the eggs.’

‘Then, I’ll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you’re ordering a la carte,’ the waitress warned her.

‘You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?’ my wife asked incredulously.

‘YES!!’ stated the waitress.

‘I’ll take the special then,’ my wife said.

‘How do you want your eggs?’ the waitress asked.

‘Raw and in the shell,’ my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake..

DON’T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
They have been around the block more than once!

This is just too funny. Enjoy….

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

……..Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

I had meant to post the below video on Valentine’s Day for all those brides who picked Valentine’s Day to get married. However, I was tied up in the romantic sentiment of the day and posting was the last thing on my mind. So for those b*tches who got engaged on Valentine’s Day, this video is for you. I do hope it makes you laugh as hard as I laughed. Afterall, you must keep your sense of humor before, during, and especially after your wedding. Enjoy…..

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday. ‘I’d like to be six again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being six again?’

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. ‘I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!’

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

The economy is so bad that:

- I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

- I ordered a burger at McDonald’s and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”

- CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

- If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

- Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

- McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 bouncer.

- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

- A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

- Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

- Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

- The Mafia is laying off judges.

- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!!
The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally…

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the suicide hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan ,
and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

By Richard N. Velotta, Las Vegas Sun
Never has a Kia Sorento gotten such great mileage — and never has Las Vegas enjoyed such a free ride.

South Korea’s second-largest car manufacturer made its Super Bowl advertising debut in the third quarter of Sunday’s game with a collection of life-size toys joy riding through the National Football League’s ban against showing casinos, much to the delight of Las Vegans who have long ridiculed the ad policy — and much to the NFL’s chagrin.

Most of the key players are in no-comment mode, but here’s what happened: Kia contracted with El Segundo, Calif.-based ad agency David&Goliath for a 60-second TV spot showcasing the 2011 crossover SUV. The ad, titled “Joyride,” featured a sock monkey; Muno, from the children’s cable television show “Yo Gabba Gabba!”; Mr. X from the blabla dolls collection; and a robot and a teddy bear invented for the ad.

The road trip included bowling on an alley with exploding pins, Jet Skiing, riding a mechanical bull, a trip to a tattoo parlor, a dip in a hot tub — and a visit to the Strip.

The Las Vegas portion featured about 10 seconds of Strip images, including the characters posing in front of the “Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas” sign, motoring past Paris Las Vegas, Bally’s and New York-New York and pulling up to Monte Carlo’s porte-cochere.

The bits with the resorts are what bug the NFL because they violate its policy on showing gambling-industry imagery in ads during its games. For years, the NFL banned Las Vegas ads outright, but relaxed the policy for this year’s postseason, allowing ads as long as they didn’t show hotels, casinos, slot machines or any gaming.

MGM Mirage spokesman Gordon Absher said his company had no product-placement agreement with Kia. Although Kia had to get permission to tape at the Monte Carlo’s entrance, Absher said there was no backdoor plan to get a resort in a Super Bowl ad.

Kia reportedly negotiated with CBS, the network that aired the Super Bowl, to run the ad for an estimated $5 million.

But that’s where the story gets a little fuzzy. Although David&Goliath delivered the spot well in advance of the game, NFL officials said they didn’t see it.

“CBS sells the ads that appear in the game. We did not see this ad before it aired,” NFL spokesman Brian McCarthy wrote in response to the Sun’s e-mail. “The shots of the casinos did violate our policy, and we have since addressed the matter with CBS.” Asked in a follow-up e-mail how the matter was resolved, McCarthy replied, “We already addressed it privately with CBS. End of story.”

A CBS spokeswoman said the network wouldn’t comment on the matter. David&Goliath referred calls to Kia, whose marketing department didn’t return phone calls.

But Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman, chairman of the convention authority’s board, had plenty to say.

“I’m watching the ballgame and I said, ‘My goodness, I thought that the convention authority wasn’t going to place an ad this year,’ ” Goodman said Tuesday. “I see ‘Welcome to Las Vegas,’ I see all the hotels, I see the glitz and glamour of the Strip and I see it’s not a (Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Authority) ad. It’s Kia. So I was happier than a pig in mud.

“I personally thought the ad was better than some of the ads we put out. I think it was a great statement about Las Vegas with the cool little monsters running around on the Strip. And all that makes us great was there for the world to see.”

He said legal wagering on games has helped make the NFL what it is today and that other leagues have determined that partnering with Las Vegas — the National Basketball Association with its All-Star Game and postseason events for the National Hockey League and NASCAR — have made them more successful.

The ad was ranked the fourth most popular of the Super Bowl broadcast in a national survey conducted by SpotBowl.com, trailing two produced by Anheuser-Busch and one for Snickers.

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